The Circle of Control: Focusing Our Energy Where It Actually Belongs

If I had a dollar for every time I have tried to control something completely out of my hands, I would probably have a vacation home somewhere tropical by now. Whether it’s the weather on a weekend getaway, how someone else interprets a text message, or that one “urgent” email that appears right when I have decided to unplug, it is human nature to want to fix, manage, and control. But let’s be real, most of those things aren’t ours to carry, and they drain the very energy we need to stay grounded and well.

That is where the circle of control comes in, It is one of my favourite concepts to use in therapy (and yes, in my own life too). Imagine three circles drawn inside one another. The smallest inner circle is what we can control: our actions, words, choices, and attitude. The middle circle represents what we might influence such as the tone of a conversation, how we show up in relationships, or how much effort we put into something. And then there is the big, outer circle ; the one filled with everything we can not control, like other people’s opinions, the economy, or the weather (trust me, I have tried).

When we spend too much time focusing on that outer circle, it is like pouring our emotional energy into a leaky bucket. No matter how hard we try, it never fills. But when we redirect that energy inward, toward what is within our control, we start to feel calmer, more balanced, and more capable of handling life’s curveballs. It is not about pretending things do not bother us; it’s about recognizing that our peace of mind does not have to depend on the chaos around us.

I often remind my clients, and myself, to pause when stress shows up and ask: “Is this in my control?” If the answer is no, that is your cue to take a deep breath and release it (or at least loosen your grip). Because every minute spent worrying about something outside your control is a minute stolen from the things that truly matter such as your mental health, your relationships, your goals, and your sense of calm.

And yes, this takes practice. Some days, I am a mindfulness master, calmly sipping coffee while letting life unfold. Other days, I am muttering at red lights and silently negotiating with the universe. That’s okay, it is called being human. Progress, not perfection, is what matters most.

The circle of control is not just about letting go; it is about empowerment. When we shift our focus to what we can control, we take our energy back. We become more intentional about how we respond, how we communicate, and how we take care of ourselves. That is where real growth and emotional wellness begin.

So, the next time you find yourself spiralling about something you can not change, picture those three circles. Ask yourself where your energy is going and whether it might serve you better inside that smaller circle that actually belongs to you. You might be surprised how much peace comes from simply choosing where to place your attention.

Because while we can’t control everything (and thank goodness for that), we can control how we show up; with compassion, mindfulness, and intention. And that’s more than enough power to transform our inner world, one mindful choice at a time.

Ready to Focus on What You Can Control?

At Guiding Compass Psychotherapy & Wellness in Port Perry, I help individuals, couples, and families learn how to manage anxiety, reduce stress, and build a healthier mindset through practical tools like mindfulness, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT), and emotion-focused approaches. Together, we will explore where your energy goes and how to bring it back home.

If you are ready to feel more grounded and confident in your daily life, I invite you to book a session today.